Recently I was feeling sad and upset about some rather small events that were occurring in my life. They felt large and overwhelming, and quite frankly, I was feeling sorry for myself. As if out of the blue, I received an email newsletter from one of the dietary folks that I follow, and in it were some words I desperately needed to hear. I’m sharing them here, with credit, and then will follow-up with a few thoughts about why getting tough with others doesn’t mean we still can’t come from a place of love.

Cited from a newsletter post by Carnivore Aurelius:

“Modern society has turned painfully soft. There has been a surge of political correctness, hypersensitivity, and backlash around hard truths. No one tells it like it is anymore. Everything anyone says now needs to be prefaced with some disclaimer to prevent hurting people’s feelings. But not with me. I do not mince my words. The one thing I will promise you is that I will always tell it how I see it, and I surround myself with others who do the same.

Our addiction to junk has resulted in a lifestyle of binging and complete indulgence. No willpower. No self control. No mental strength.

It’s time to wake up.

My “harsh” words are not an attack on your freedom. They are me calling you out to get better. I’m not going to tell you it’s okay that you’re fat, or that you just binge watched an entire Netflix series, or that you can’t stop smoking. I’m going to tell you to become a warrior and start taking back control. Take it as tough love instead of as an excuse to play victim.

We are all independent thinkers. To a large extent, we choose to become smokers, binge eaters, and drug users.

There are 2 doors in life you need to pick between:

1. Complain about everything and play victim.

2. Become a warrior. Relentlessly attack weaknesses. Take responsibility at all costs.

If you play the victim card, you will always find excuses for yourself. You will forever be soft. You will keep asking yourself why you aren’t where you want to be… and end up getting nowhere in the process.

If you stop playing victim, something miraculous will happen. Doors will start to open for you. Life will turn into a playground for the taking. You will begin to attack every challenge you face head on.

Even if it’s not true, acting as if everything is in your control is the best life hack. You can’t win at life if you’re a victim. Because you win at being a victim instead.

Take responsibility and ownership for everything you do. Hold yourself accountable and do not rest until you make a dent in the universe and become the ultimate version of yourself.

Each and every one of us carries the blood and genes of emperors and warriors. Absolute athletes, destined to rule. It is time to redefine “self love” and “self respect” by breaking your addiction to comfort and shifting your mindset from victim to warrior.

Who’s with me?”

After reading this message, the victim-hood mentality that I was guilty of wallowing in that day suddenly shifted. I was grateful for this loving yet harsh wake-up that told me to put on my big-girl boots, get on board, and stop whining. I wasn’t even feeling bad about my diet: Just a general sense of feeling helpless. But by reading this post, I knew it was a sign for me to take control. I also knew this message wasn’t coming from a place of hate or judgment, but rather from a place of real love and caring. More importantly, instead of being offended, I was able to receive it as the loving boost I needed to empower myself. Kudos to me!  

I call this type of open, direct, and honest communication, tough love! And the first thing I want to say about tough love is that when people really care about us, they should have the ability to be honest with us. What good does it do to allow someone to remain in a place of self-pity, victimhood, or even ignorance – meaning ‘not aware,’ not meaning ‘stupid.’ There is a difference!

This is not love. This is actually a lack of care.

In other words, “I don’t care enough about you to be honest. I don’t want to risk hurting your feelings or getting into an argument so I’ll just say nothing.”

This is not love! It is enabling.

Now yes, sometimes we think we know what’s best for someone else and so we might try to tell them what to do, but that isn’t quite what we’re saying here. Tough love isn’t telling someone what to do. It’s about giving them an honest reflection of what you see them doing to themselves. For example,

“You can do anything but you’re making excuses for why you can’t.”

“Either take control or stop whining.”

“If you don’t have the answers you need? Go find them!”

“You know that what you are doing is only hurting you right?”

“If what your doing isn’t working then how are you trying to fix it?”

Certainly I think there are times when compassion and empathy are required. However, there are also times when giving someone a kick in the pants is more what they need. (I call this the Comfort vs Solution conversation and I will address it another post.) The point of tough love though isn’t to make someone feel bad, to boss them around, or even to be judgmental. It’s to get them to wake up and to take control of their life – just as the above post indicates. This is love!

This type of honest yet tough love should especially occur with those closest to us, but it is also important with the strangers and businesses that we deal with. For example, would you rather deal with a company or person who is open and honest with you, even if they seem a little rough around the edges, or would you rather deal with someone who coddles and cajoles but then slick-sells you into buying their line of crap? The latter is how most politicians and big businesses operate, and I think we all know that far too many of these folks are only interested in themselves and not you. Businesses and strangers who really care about you and care about empowering you, even if they don’t know you personally, will be honest, open, and transparent about things.   

This leads me to the second thing we need to understand about tough love, and it is the fact that the person who needs a kick in the pants has to be open to receiving it. Sadly, this is not always the case. People may say they want honesty, but when someone gives it, they may not be as open as they thought they were. Why? Because it usually hurts!

If someone says to you, “Why are you being a victim,” then do you cringe and deny it, or do you give it its due consideration?

Maybe their assessment is accurate and then again maybe it’s not, but if the person really cares about you and is making the statement, then it may bear consideration. If, however, the person giving you tough love is coming from a place of hate or resentment or judgment, then what they say should probably be taken with a grain of salt.

In the same way, businesses and politicians know how to tell people things they want to hear. They promise to ‘make it easy for you’ or ‘make it better for you.’ They promise to save you or keep you safe. They promise that if you buy their product or service that you will somehow ‘get healthier,’ ‘be sexier,’ ‘get richer’ or else make a host of other promises that only enable you rather than empower you.

The real measure of someone’s care for you is whether or not they really want to see you empowered and successful, and then if they can back it up with actions and support.

By the way, Spirit also delves in tough love. For example, mediumship sessions often involve sharing some tough advice. Spirits may talk about actions we need to take or things we need to change before we can reach the next level. It all really depends on whether or not we need compassion and understanding at that point in time, or whether we need a good wake-up call.

There are also times when I receive spiritual lessons and knowledge that are forceful in nature, warning me to be careful, to wake up, and to take accountability for my choices.

I used to think that doing psychic & spiritual work meant I had to be all soft and sensitive, and this is certainly true. Loving spiritual work requires empathy, compassion, sensitivity, and an understanding for the suffering of others. On the other hand, my personality is one that is more forceful in nature and one that I would describe as focused on tough-love. It is of course important that we exhibit a healthy balance of both since both come from a place of love, but while one is supportive and nurturing the other is more inspiring and empowering. Tough love is about being firm and honest, but also directing, educating, enlightening and empowering. Does that always make me right? Not at all, and sometimes I have to eat my words and apologize. However, I do know that no matter what I say to others, it is always meant to be from a place of care for their well-being and to inspire their personal empowerment.

Too often we all get into that soft state of mind that is known as comfort, and then we set to whining about why life isn’t the way we want it to be – myself included. We want someone to fix it for us, make it easy, or just make it go away, but this is not how life works. While compassion and care should always be a part of our methodologies in dealing with ourselves and others, I also believe that when appropriate, tough love should also be a part of that process. Love isn’t weak. It’s about strength, so be strong enough to help those you love become empowered, not disempowered – and don’t forget to do it for yourself as well.

Blessings & Wellness,

Carol

Image by Roland Steinmann from Pixabay